Monday, 3 May 2021

The Acharnians (Acharnes) - Aristophanes

Ancient GreekἈχαρνεῖς (Akharneîs;AtticἈχαρνῆς) 

First performed at the Lenaia festival in 425 BC. Aristophanes won first prize in the competition with this play. The Acharnians was an anti-war play. The Acharnians or Acharnians was Aristophanes' third play. It is the earliest of the eleven surviving plays by Aristophanes. It was produced by an associate, Callistratus of behalf of Aristophanes who was too young at the time.

The central theme in this play is peace with Sparta, an end to the Peloponnesian War. Aristophanes tells the story of a simple country farmer from Acharnae named Dicaeopolis, who is tired of the war and its effect on his life. He concludes a separate peace with Sparta on behalf of himself and his family. Through the play's principal character Aristophanes mocks the politicians and military leaders of Athens, whom he sees as only wanting to prolong the war for their own benefit. Dicaeopolis is able to enjoy the benefits of peace, such as food, wine, and the ability to trade with Sparta, which was prohibited during the war. The play also features a number of comedic scenes, such as a parody of a court case and a dance-off between two groups of men representing Athens and Sparta.

Acharnae, according to Thucydides, was the largest deme in Attica. In the fourth century BCE, 22 of the 500 members of the Athenian council came from Acharnae, more than from any other deme. 

Dramatis Personae

Dicaeopolis[/Dikaiopolis] (meaning a just citizen)
Herald
Ampitheus (a demigod: half human half god - an immortal)
Ambassadors
Pseudartabus
Theorus
Wife of Dicaeopolis
Daughter of Dicaeopolis
Euripides
Cephisophon Euripides' Servant
Lamachos
Attendant to Lamachos
A Megarian
Two Girls (Daughters of the Megarian)
A Theban from Boeotia
Nicarchus (a Sycophant) 
Dercetes, a poor farmer
A Paranymph
A Bridesmaid 
An Informer (a Sycophant)
Messengers
Chorus of Elderly Acharnian Charcoal Burners

Skene: The Pnyx of Athens where the Athenian Ekklesia assembled, later Dicaeopolis' country house (which D could see from his place in the Pnyx).

Structure of Play

Prologue 1-203

Dicaepolis (alone): What matters have not eaten away my heart and how few have been the pleasures of my life! Four to be exact, whilst my troubles have been countless as the grains of sand on the seashore. Let me see what pleasures have been of real value to me, all those of which have been of delight to me. I remember when Kleon was made to part with 5 talents of silver and I was in an ecstatic frenzy when this happened. And I love the knights who did this. They brought honour to Greece. But that day when I was patiently waiting to hear a piece by Aeschylus what a tragedy it was to hear the Herald announce "Theognis nominate your Chorus". Imagine just how much a blow this struck at my heart. On the other hand, consider just how much joy Dexithusgus gave me at the music competition when he played a Boeotian melody on his lyre. This year in contrast, O what deadly torture it was to have to listen to Chæris play the prelude in the Orthian mode! 

[An Ancient Greek musical mode which like the Harmatian was distinguished by the quickness of the time in which its movements were performed Its notes by their rapidity inflamed and hurried forward the impatient soldiers and partook so much of the fiery character of the Harmatian mode as to induce some to confound one with the other.]

Never, however, since I began to bathe, has the dust hurt my eyes so much as it does today.  Yet today is the day when the Ecclesia is set to meet on the Pnyx. The session is supposed to start at daybreak, yet the place is deserted. They are all still chit-chattering in the Agora slipping in and out to avoid the vermilion rope.

[Several means were used to force citizens to attend the assemblies; the shops were closed; circulation was only permitted in those streets which led to the Pnyx; finally, a rope covered with vermilion (red ochre) was drawn round those who dallied in the Agora (the marketplace), and the late-comers, marked with the imprint of the rope, were fined.]

Even the Prytaneis haven't arrived yet.

[Magistrates who, with the Archons and the Epistatæ, shared the care of holding and directing the assemblies of the people; they were fifty in number.]

They will be too late. When they do come they will have to push and shove each other for a seat in the front row. Peace will not be of concern to them. O Athens, O Athens!

As for me I never fail to come to the meeting before all the others. Now I find myself all alone. I groan, yawn, fart and know not what to do with myself -I draw pictures in the sand and pull out the loose hairs from my head, muse, think of my fields, long for peace, curse town life and regret the occupation of my dear home in the countryside by the enemy. [Pericles had ordered all Athenians living in the country to move to the city inside its walls for their safety. Meanwhile the Spartans had occupied the regions of Attica around Athens.]

That house never told me to 'buy fuel, vinegar or oil'; there the word 'buy,' which cuts me in two when I hear it here, was unknown; I farmed for everything I needed at will. Therefore I have come to the assembly today fully prepared to bawl, interrupt and abuse any of the speakers if they talk of anything else but peace. 

[Enter a Herald, the Prytaneis, and Archers and a large Group of Citizens]

But here come the Prytaneis, and high time too, for it is already noon! Just as I predicted, hah! is it not so? They are pushing and shoving one another fighting for the front seats.

Herald: Move along there. Find your way into the sacred precinct.

[Sacred precinct because all meetings of the Ecclesia began with the sacrifice of piglets to the goddess Demeter before they commenced their proceeding with their blood of the piglets being sprinkled on the seats of the Prytaneis.] 

Ampitheus (to Dicaepolis): Has anyone spoken yet?

Herald: Who wishes to speak?

Ampitheus: I do.

Herald: And who are you?

Ampitheus: Ampitheus.

Herald: You're not even a human being!

Ampitheus: No, I'm an immortal. The first and original Amphitheus was son of Demeter and Triptolemus; of them was born Celeos; Celeos married Phenaretes, my grandmother, who had for son Lycinus; and by the latter, I am an immortal. The gods have charged me to make a peace deal with the Spartans, I alone. But, though I am an immortal, gentlemen, I have no provision for my travelling expenses and neither will the Prytaneis give me anything.

The Herald: Archers! Seize him! 

[Two Scythian archers seize Amphitheos.] 

Ampitheos: O Triptolemos and Celeos, have you abandoned me?

Dicaeopolis (standing up): Gentlemen of the Prytanes, you outrage the Assembly's dignity  by having this man arrested, who only for the sake of our good wanted to make peace and suspend the war. 

Herald: Dicaeopolis: Sit down and be silent! 

Dicaopolis: Ah no, by Apollo, I refuse to, if you do not consent to put the question of peace under deliberation.

The Herald (making an announcement): "The ambassadors have returned from the Great King's court!" 

[There is a silent pause. The Ambassasors then file in.] 

Dicaeopolis: Indeed they have come from the Great King himself! They bore me these ambassadors, with their peacocks and charlataneries!

The Herald (to Dicaeopolis) Be silent!

Dicaeopopis (on seeing the ambassadors making their entrance dressed in fancy Medean fashion): O damn! by Ecbatana, what outfits!

Ecbatana

The Chief Ambassador (advancing before the Prytaneis speaking pompously): You sent us to the Great King [The King of Kings of Persia], with a pay of two drachmas a day, during the archonship of Euthymenes [437-6 BC].

Dicaeopolis (aside): Alas! So this is what has become of all our poor drachmas.

The Ambassador: In truth how hard it was it was for us to make this journey across the Caystrian plains, over which we traveled  in carriages well sheltered by awnings, in comfortable litters where we lay all-snugged dying of boredom from the journey.

[The River Cayster]

Dicaeopolis (aside): On that account, I must have done pretty well for myself, me stretched out along the ramparts here in the dirt.

The Ambassador: Our hosts forced us to drink pure sweet wine out of crystal and gold goblets! 

Dicaeopolis (aside): City of Cranaos [second king of Athens, successor of Cecrops]! You do understand that your ambassadors are laughing at you!

The Ambassador: It's because the barbarians only consider as men the big eaters and the big drinkers. 

Dicaeopolis (aside): Just like us here in Athens, we only esteem the prostitutes and the drunken debauchees.

The Ambassador: During the fourth year we arrived at the Great King's court. But the latter had left in the saddle, to accompany his army. For a whole eight months he exercised them in the Golden Mountains [a non-existent land]. 

Dicaeopolis (aside): And how long did he take to replace his dress? When the moon was full?

The Ambassador: Only then did he return home. Then he gave us a treat: he served us whole oxen baked in an oven. 

Dicaeopolis (aside): And who ever has heard of beef being baked in an oven? Good riddance to such lies!

The Ambassador: Yes, and, by Zeus, one day he served us a bird three times bigger than Cleonymos; they called it the Deceiver.

Dicaeopolia (aside): So that's how you were deceiving us, whilst receiving your two drachmas a day.

The Ambassador: And today here we have brought with us Pseudartabas, the King's Eye.

[Some officials at the Persian court were so named. The Eye of the King or the King's Eye was an official, an overseer appointed by the King to ensure that the tribute paid by subject peoples in the empire was received. These officials were the Eyes and Ears of the King. They had privileged access to the royal presence.]

[The Landmark Herodotus : the histories : Herodotus - Internet Archive]
[Eye of the King - Livius]

[Balcer, J. M. (1977). The Athenian Episkopos and the Achaemenid “King’s Eye.” The American Journal of Philology, 98(3), 252–263. https://doi.org/10.2307/293776 https://www.jstor.org/stable/293776]

[The satraps themselves underwent regular inspections by other officials, called “the king’s eyes” or “the king’s ears” who travelled all over the empire (accompanied by troops sufficient for immediate action), paid unexpected visits for examination of the satraps’ conduct or other representatives’ administration (e.g., at the immense royal estates), and reported directly back to the king. These royal inspectors or controllers, confidants to the king (to avoid saying his spies) normally stood in strained relations to satraps and local authorities. Unfortunately the Iranian form of such title(s) is not attested; in Iranian sources we find neither “the king’s eyes,” “the king’s ears,” or anything similar. Greek sources vary between “the king’s eye” (Herodotus 1.114.2; Xenophon, Cyropaedia 8.2.10-12, 6.16, etc.) and “the king’s ears” (ibid., 8.2.10-12; cf. Herodotus 1.100.2 on the Median Deioces’ “watchers and listeners”); an Aramaic papyrus from Elephantine does preserve gwškyʾ, the plural form of *gōšak, which reflects (as does Armenian gušak “informer”) an OPers. *gaušaka- “listener.” Encyclopaedia Iranica]

Dicaeopolis (aside): May his eye be pecked out by a crow, and the Ambassador's eye too!

The Herald (making an announcement): "The King's Eye!" 

[Enter Psedartabas, a Persian, dressed in Medean costume and mask bearing in the middle of his forehead an enormous eye. He is accompanied by two mute figures dressed as eunuchs]

Dicaeopolis: By Lord Heracles! you look like a warship! Are you in need of safe harbour? And I suppose that hole which surrounds your eye is meant for an oar.

The Ambassador: Come Pseudartabas, explain the purpose of the mission which the King of Persian has entrusted you with to bring to the Athenians.

Pseudartabas: Iartaman exarxan apiaona satra.

The Ambassador (to Dicaeopolis): Did you understand that?

Dicaeopolis: No, by Apollo, not me. What did he say?

The Ambassador (to the Prytaneis): He says the King will send you gold! (To Pseudartabas.) You, speak of the "gold" out loud and clearly.

Pseudabartas: Born to receive gold; bugger off loniangs. You'll get no goldie from me!

[Ionians: what all the Greeks were called by the Persians.] 

Dicaeopolis: O misfortune! How clearly spoken!

The Ambassador: What has he said then?

Dicaeopolis: What he says? That the Ionians are bloody fools if they expect to receive any gold from the barbarians.

The Ambassador: But no! you are wrong. On the contrary, what he has said is that there are "cartloads of gold."

Dicaeopolis: Cartyloads? What are you singing there? You are a big impostor. Go away. I will question this man myself, alone. (To Pseudartabas.) Come on, explain yourself clearly to me, in front of this one (he shows him his staff), so that I don't have to dye you in Sardis purple. Will the Great King send us gold? (Pseudartabas raises his head back in a sign of denial.) But then, were we unworthily deceived by our ambassadors? (Pseudartabas tilts his head forward in a sign of affirmation; the eunuchs imitate him.) This is the Greek manner that we say "Yes". these people. I'm sure are from right here. And among the eunuchs, there is one, this one, that I recognise [tearing the mask off his face]; Yes, this is Clesthenes, the son of Sibyrtios! O the brazen design of a head shaved behind its ears! It is with that beard, "O you Big Baboon", that you came here to play the eunuch in disguise? And this one [to the other eunuch and tearing the mask off his face too] - "Who can you possibly be? You're Straton, aren't you?" 

The Herald:. Silence and sit down! The King's Eye is invited by the Council to come to the Prytaneum.

[Prytaneion where foreign ambassadors and dignitaries were wined and dined by the Athenians.]

[The Ambassadors and the King's Eye leave the Arena.]

Dicaeopolis: In truth, there's enough here to make one want to hang oneself. After that I'm very stupid to want to hang and mope around here These people definitely we will never fail to accommodate them. Ours doors are wide open! But I'm going to do something big and bold. My Amphitheos, where is he?

Amphitheos: Here I am.

Dicaeopolis: In my name take these eight drachmas and make a truce with the Spartans just for me alone, my grandchildren and my dear wife. (To the Prytaneis.) As for you, you can send out yet more embassies and bay to the crows! 

[Dicaeopolis gives eight drachmas to Ampitheos who leaves the Arena.]

The Herald (solemnly): Step forward Theoros, our envoy who has just returned from the court of Sitalces.

[Theoros steps out of the crowd.]

Theoros: I'm here.

Dicaeopolis (aside): Yet another conman.  I bet he has also drawn a huge sum in pay.

Theoros: We would not have been held up so long in Thrace had not all the rivers there been frozen and the land covered in snow. At the same time Theognis [a famous poet] was competing there.  I was drinking at the time with Sitacles. He's hugely pro-Athenian, lover of all of you. His son who had been made an Athenian citizen was eager to eat sausages at his Apaturia [Apaturia - Wikipedia citizenship ceremony] and begged his father to be generous to his new fatherland. Sitacles swore on a libation that he would send an army, so large that you Athenians might say that a swarm of locusts was on its way. 

[Sitalces - Wikipedia]

Dicaeopolis (aside): I won't believe that till I see them. As for a swarm of locusts I'll expect that.

Theoros: So he has sent you the most warlike tribe from Thrace

Dicaeopolis (aside): Who the Hades are they?

Theoros: I give you the Odomantes!

[A group of soldiers enters carrying a large phallus before them.]

Dicaeolpolis (aside): What has he said? Did he call them the Odomantes? (Looking at the huge phallus carried before them and shouting out loud.) Hey! What's that? Who has dismembered these Odomantes?

[Odomantes were a people found in Thrace. Odomanti - Wikipedia]

Theoros: Give these soldiers a pay of two drachmas a day, and they will crush all of Boeotia with their shields.

Dicaeopolis: Two drachmas a day for these deformed men? It only remains to moan to the people about the Thranites as saviours of the city. (The Odomantes snatch his bag.) Woe is me! I'm going to die! The Odomantes are going to destroy my garlic! (To the Odomantes) Will you throw down my garlic!

[Thranites: the rowers on the topmost of the three benches on board a trireme, chosen men.]

Theoros (to Diceopolis): Misfortune! Don't go anywhere near them. They ate the garlic! 

[Garlic was fed to fighting cocks to make them more pugnacious. See Aristophanes' Knights line 493]

Dicaeopolis: Can you see me treated like this, you Prytaneis, in my own homeland, and by barbarians once more? I am opposed to continuing the session simply to discuss the question of the amount of pay to be given to the Thracians. I tell you that a celestial warning has just occurred. I felt a drop of rain.

The Herald. The Thracians are invited to withdraw and present themselves the day after tomorrow. The Prytaneis declare the Ecclesia dissolved.

[Everyone leaves; Dicaeopolis remains alone.]

Dicaeopolis: O what a misfortune! What a garlic sauce I lost making! But hush! for here is Amphitheos returning from Sparta. Hello, Amphitheos. 

Ampitheos (out of breathe from running): Don't speak to me yet. Hi! Wait till I can stop running. I must run away quickly to escape the Acharnians.

Dicaeopolis: Why?

Ampitheos: I came here in haste to bring you some options for your truce; but they smelled it these old men, real Acharnians; these shrivelled old men with hearts of oak, tough guys, Marathonomachoi, as hard as maplewood. Then 

[Marathonomachoi = veterans of the Battle of Marathon]

they all started shouting: “Ah! you scoundrel, you are you the bearer of a truce [from the Spartans] when our vines have been cut down” And from their cloaks they produced some stones. And me I had to flee from them for they started to pursue me shouting at me.

Dicaeopolis: So let them scream. Well, are you bringing me a truce?

Ampitheos: Most certainly! I have three samples truces for you to consider. Here they are. This one is for five years. Try it for size! 

Dicaeopolis: Pooh!

Ampitheos: What is it ?

Dicaeopolis: It displeases me. It smells of tar and shipbuilding.

Ampitheos: At least taste this one, which is for ten years. Taste it. 

Dicaeopolis: It, too, has the smell of embassies sent to the cities, a very sour taste, one might say of procrastination amongst the allies.

Ampitheos: But this truce, you see, is one for thirty years, on both land and sea.

Dicaeopolis: O Great Dionysia! This smells of ambrosia and nectar, and the joy of no longer having to wait for the order to lay up provisions for three days! (He drinks a few drops.) And, in my mouth, it says to me: "Go where you please". I accept it, I'll pour it, I'll drink to it with whole lots of happiness I wish the Acharnians. As for me, it will rid me of the war and my ills, I will be able to return to celebrate the Rural Dionysia in the fields.


[Dionysia ta megala/Διονύσια τὰ Μεγάλα = The Great Dionysia: Dionysia ta mikra/Διονύσια τὰ Mικρά = The Rural Dionysia]

Ampitheos: And I am running away. Here come my Acharnians!

Parodos 204-279

Parodos Proper 204-241

Enter The Chorus of Elderly Acharnian Charcoal Burners led by their Chorus Leader.

The Chorus Leader: This way everyone; follow the trail. Let's hunt this man down, ask all passers-by whether they have seen him. It is important to the well-being of the polis of Athens that we arrest this man. (Addressing the audience) Just like when we went to war please give us a sign if anyone knows where in the world the bearer of these peace deals may have passed.

The Chorus: He has escaped us, he's disappeared! Damn old age! When we were young, we easily kept up our pace behind Phayllus, even running with a full sack of charcoals on our backs. This wretch would not have eluded our pursuit then. Let him, this accursed bearer of these truces, be as swift as he will; he would not have so easily escaped us despite his agility.

[Phayllos of Croton - Olympic champion, reputed to be the fastest runner of antiquity and equally good in the Pentathlon.]

The Chorus Leader: But today, when my limbs feel stiff and old Lacratides senses that his legs are heavy, the traitor has disappeared. No matter, let's continue to pursue him; never let him taunt us again, old as we are, for having escaped us, for we are Acharnians!

[Lacratides had been Archon at the time of the battle of Marathon.]

The Chorus: This man, O Zeus and by all the gods, has concluded a peace deal with our odious enemies, against whom our bellicose ardour has grown unceasingly with our hatred for them and against whom we would continue the war;  we want vengeance for their having devastated our fields! We won't have respite until we have returned to our lands. Let there be no mercy for our foes until we have pierced their hearts with sharp reeds, so that they never again dare to ravage our vineyards.

The Chorus Leader: Come on, let us look for this man, and let us look in the direction of Ballene, and there pursue to him to the ends of the world, until we eventually find him. And let us gather up enough rocks which to stone him with.

[Play on words: Pallene was a town in Attica; the substitution of a B for a P introduces the idea and concept of a stoning.]

Dicaeopolis (from inside his house ): Peace! profane men!

[The formula pronounced by a priest at the commencement of a sacrifice.] 

The Chorus Leader: Quiet everyone! Shut up! You heard it, didn't you, the call to prayer? This is the one we are looking for. It is he, himself. Over here, all come away over here. It is time for us to offer a sacrifice, it seems, that our man is preparing to leave this house.

Phallic Procession 242-279

Dicaeopolis (he comes out of the house carrying a stewing-pot: behind him are his Wife, his Daughter, and two Slaves carrying a phallos): Gather round. Gather round and keep holy silence. Come forward a few steps our Kanephore to the front of the procession [the Kanephore is his Daughter, carrying a basket on her head]. Xanthias keep the phallos standing upright. Put the basket down, dear Daughter; and let us offer up its first fruits in sacrifice.

The Daughter (she puts the basket down  and lifts the sacred flat-cake out of it): Mother, please pass the gravy-ladle to me, so that I can pour the gravy over this cake.

Dicaeopolis: And now everything is fine. O Dionysos, my master, may this procession that I lead and the sacrifice that I offer to you together with the whole of my household be pleasing to you. Allow me to celebrate the Dionysia of the Fields [Rural Dionysia] happily, rid of all military service, and may the peace with Sparta bring me happiness, the deal that I have privately made with them to last for thirty years. Come on, my daughter, make sure that you carry the basket on your head reverently, with your eyes lowered, as if eating salad. Happy is he who will marry you and make you little kitties [baby weasels] who will be as happy as you were to belch wind at daybreak. Proceed amongst the audience, but do take care that unbeknownst to you, that your gold jewels which you are wearing are not filched from you. (To his slaves) Xanthias, both of you take care to hold the phallos upright behind the Kanephoros [The Basket Bearer, Dicaeopolis' Daughter]. I will walk behind you singing the phallic hymn. As for you, my wife, you may watch us from the uppermost terrace of our house. Everyone forward proceed!

[The Kanephores were virgin girls who carried on their heads baskets in a phallic procession containing the items intended for sacrifice. 
Kanephoros]

[Kitties: young girls, whom we might call them colloquially, kittens. The text actually refers to weasels: the ancient Greeks domesticated weasels, as we do cats, and for the same purpose, keeping one's home free of vermin.The young of weasels are called kits]

Phales, companion of Dionysos in his phallic processions,  night reveller, adulterer, lover of young boys, after five years at last I am able to welcome you back in my village with joy in my heart, after having concluded a truce with the Spartans for myself alone, a truce which frees me from worries, from fighting and the Lamachoses [Lamachos was an Athenian general]. How much sweeter it is, O Phales, Phales, to surprise, poaching for firewood, the pretty woodcutter, Strymodorus' slave, Thratta, returning from the woods on Mount Phelleus, to seize her round her waist, and throw her down on the ground to lay with her! O Phales, Phales, if you want to drink with us, when you have come out of your drunken state by dawn, you will share a good meal with us to celebrate the peace, and I will hang up my shield in the hearth.

[The Demi-God Phales]

Battle Scene 280-357
 
The Chorus-Leader (in a low voice): There he is, it's him, there he is! Spear him, spear, spear, spear . (Louder and more vigorously) strike at him, strike him down that infamous traitor! Throw your stones at him, pelt him with them!

Dicaeopolis (making a shield from the lid of his pot): Heracles! what is this? You are going to break my pot. (The Kanephore [D's Daughter] and the two slaves carrying the phallus come running back.) 

The Chorus: We will kill you, you heinous, most despicable man. 

 Dicaeopolis: And what for, Acharnians?

The Chorus: You have asked for it, you impudent villain.You are a traitor to our country, who has alone of all of us made a truce with the enemy and now dares to look at us in the face after that!

Dicaeopolis: But why ? Haven't you understood why I made the deal ? Well, listen.

The Chorus: Let us listen to him? Rather he should die. We will bury you under a pile of stones that we have brought with us.

Dicaeopolis: No! Don't do anything until you have listened to me at least. Allow me to explain myself. Have patience my good people.

The Chorus: No, we will not suffer it. We will not be patient. Don't make speeches to us. Know that we hate you even more than Kleon, whose skin we will carve up to make soles for the shoes of Knights!

The Chorus-Leader. As for you, I am not  going to listen to your speeches, you who have dealt with the Spartans; I am going to punish you.

Dicaeopolis: My brave comrades, leave the Spartans where they are and just listen to the terms of my truce and see if I did well to conclude it.

The Chorus-Leader: "Well done?" How can you still talk like this, when you have once dealt with people for whom altars, good faith, covenants, and for whom no oath is sacred!

Dicaeopolis: I also know that the Spartans, from whom we expect too much, are not the cause of all our troubles. 

The Chorus-Leader: Not all of them? you arrogant rascal! And you dare to tell us openly, face to face! And as for me, after that you expect me to save you!

Dicaeopolis: Not all, not all. I who speak to you here, I could demonstrate to you that many things that our enemies see we that we have faults to reproach us with.

The Chorus-Leader: These words are too strong for me now! My heart is overwhelmed! You dare, when speaking to us, to defend our enemies?

Dicaeopolis: And even if my reasons are not right, if the people here are not of my opinion, I agree to speak to you with my head on a butcher's block.

The Chorus-Leader: Please tell me fellow citizens of my deme why are we sparing with our stones when we could make a scarlet coat of this fellow here.

Dicaeopolis: What fury! What black ember has suddenly set you ablaze! You don't want to listen to me? Do you really want to do that, noble Acharnians?

The Chorus-Leader: No! a thousand times no!

Dicaeopolis: This is hateful injustice, see what you make me do.

The Chorus-Leader: May I die, if I listen.

Dicaeopolis: No, please, have mercy, relentless Acharnians!

The Chorus-Leader: You are going to die. Know it this instant. 

Dicaeopolis: Well, let there be blood for blood. In my turn, I will kill the dearest of those who are dear to you. Know that I have hostages from Acharnes here, I will cut their throats.

The Chorus-Leader: Acharnians what does this threat mean to us people of Acharnes? Would he keep the child of one of us locked up in his house? If not, what gives him so much confidence? 

Dicaeopolis (goes inside and returns with a basket loaded with charcoal and a sword): Throw your stones if you like; I will destroy this one. I shall soon know which of you has any affection for charcoal.

The Chorus-Leader: So that's it for us. This basket is from my deme. Do not complete the blow you are about to strike; no, please, no!

Dicaeopolis: I will kill him, you know, despite your cries. I don't want to hear a thing.

The Chorus: You are going to kill this basket, a fellow-citizens of our life, this dear friend of the charcoal burners?

Dicaeopolis: Me neither, just now, you just didn't want to listen to me.

The Chorus: Well, speak up now and tell us what you think right now. Why the Spartans?

Dicaeopolis: First, put down your stones!

The Chorus: There 'tis done! Now you put your sword away.

Dicaeopolis: I need to check that you have no stones hidden amongst your cloaks.

The Chorus (shaking their clothes as they dance) : Look we are shaking our clothes. They have all fallen to the ground. Don't haggle with us. Lay down your sword. 

[Dicaeopolis puts down his sword]

Dicaeopolis: You were bound to stop your shouting in the end, but some charcoals from Mount Parnes very nearly died because of the intransigence of some of their fellow deme citizens. 

[He puts down the basket he is holding].

And this basket because it was so shaken in fear for its life has covered my clothes in coal dust, the same that a cuttlefish would do [with its ink] when frightened. It's dreadful that men in their passion shout and throw stones, and can't be bothered to listen to both sides and try to block me when I have something to say about the Spartans in their favour, even if I have my head on the butcher's block clinging onto my life whilst doing so, for I do love life. 

Proagon 358-489

The Chorus: Well, go inside and bring that block out, and put it down in front of your door. Let us hear what you have to say. We are curious to listen to the argument you can put forward in your defence. Say what you have to say, but do put your head on the block when you speak.

[Dicaeopolis goes inside the house and brings out a butcher's block.

Dicaeopolis: Here it is [the butcher's block]. and here I am, little me, without my shield ready to speak freely in defence of the Spartans. I am afraid, but I do know the ways of our simple country folk. They're mighty pleased when some quack of an orator comes to their polis and heaps praise and flattery upon their township and them. That's how they are bought and sold.  They do not see how such deceivers are really traitors ready to sell them out for personal gain. As for the older men, I know their weakness as jurors; they only seek to overwhelm the accused with their votes. Nor have I forgotten how Kleon maltreated me last year because of my comedy [The Babylonians]. He dragged me before the Senate-Council [Bouleuterion].

[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bouleuterion]

[Kleon had denounced Aristophanes to the Senate for having mocked Athens in his play The Babylonians before strangers, many of whom were present at the performance.]

[Norwood, G. (1930). The Babylonians of Aristophanes. Classical Philology, 25(1), 1–10. http://www.jstor.org/stable/263373]

There he made several attempts to denounce me for having slandered the City. What insults and lies his tongue threw at me. He roared at me like a Kykloboros, flooding me with abuse. I almost perished in a latrine pit of troubles, but before I make my speech let me dress up in miserable clothes. 

[Kykloboros-ToposText]

The Chorus: Why all this scheming for delays? Wait! Hades lends you his Helmet of Darkness. He lends it to you to send you into an invisible oblivion.

[Cap of invisibility - Wikipedia]

The Chorus-Leader: Make your case; demonstrate your Sisyphaean wiles. Tell yourself that the debate once started will not allow for any further delay or evasion.

[Sisyphus - Wikipedia]

Euripides Scene 393 - 479

Dicaeopolis: It is time I well see, to procure for myself someone who speaks with a strong soul. I must go and find Euripides. (Knocking on Euripides' door - the central door of the stage building) Slave, slave!

Euripides' Slave: Who's there?

Dicaeopolis: Is Euripides at home?

Euripides' Slave:  He is both not here and here, if you have the nous to understand what I mean. 

Dicaeopolis: How can that be? him being both here and yet he is not here?

Euripides' Slave:  Exactly, old man, his mind is outside busy collecting verses; he is therefore not at home; but he himself is here, lying with his feet in the air for he is writing a tragedy.

Dicaeopolis: O thrice lucky Euripides to have a slave who is so smart in his responses! (To the Slave) Bring him to me.

[Quite contrary to the general notion of slavery: slaves should be seen and not heard, and should not have minds of their own and ought to keep their opinions to themselves. But Euripides himself had much to comment on the state of slavery.]

[Euripides slave - Google Search]

Euripides' Slave: But that's not possible.

[The Slave shuts the door]

Dicaeopolis: Call him anyway. I will not leave, and will knock on the door. (He knocks) Euripides, my little Euripides! lend me your ear, if you ever did so to a man. It's Dicaeopolis calling you, Diceaopolis from Deme of Cholleidae; it's me.

Euripides (from inside): I don't have the time.

Dicaeopolis: Oh very well, have yourself wheeled out on the ekkylema.


[Ancient Greek Theatre: Stage Machinery]


Euripides: Impossible.

Dicaeopolis: Come down anyway.


Euripides: Well then, let them roll me out. As for coming down, I don't have the time.

[The ekkyklema turns revealing the interior of Euripides' house. Euripides himself  is wheeled out on the upper storey of his house lying on a couch, and, beside him is his slave. On the back wall one can see several rows of theatrical costumes hanging and, on the floor, a load of stage props.]

Dicaeopolis: Euripides, what rags are these?

Euripides: What words strike my ear?

Dicaeopolis:  You compose with your feet in the air, when you could put them on the ground! I understand that you are trying to create cripples. But why wear these tragic rags, such a pitiful costume? I understand it when you are creating beggars. But please, begging you on my knees, lend me one of your rags from an old play of yours. I have to deliver a long speech in my defence before the Chorus, and it's death for me if I deliver it badly.

Euripides: Which rags would you prefer? Those in which I dressed Oeneus, that unhappy, miserable old man?

[Oeneus was king of Calydon and after having been deposed by his nephew was sent into exile as a beggar]

Dicaeopolis:  No, not Oeneus'. I need those of some hero even more pathetic.

Euripides: Poor blind old Phoenix's?

[Phoenix was blinded after being falsely accused of eyeing his father's mistress.] 

Dicaeopolis: No, not Phoenix. There was one other, more miserable than Phoenix.

 Euripides: What shreds of coat can he claim? Unless you mean those of Philoctetes the beggar?

Dicaeopolis:  No, but much, much more begging. 

Euripides: Perhaps you want the filthy clothes that Bellerophon, the cripple, wore?

Dicaeopolis: No, not Bellerophon. The one I mean was also lame, but had a haunting voice; he was talkative and but was a terrible talker.

Euripides: I know who you mean, Telephus the Mysian. 

[All the mentioned characters were all protagonists in plays by Euripides]
[Oeneus - Wikipedia]

Dicaeopolis: Yep, that's the chap I mean.

Euripides (to his Slave): Go fetch and give him Telephus' costume.

[Euripides' Slave goes inside the house and comes out of the front door with Telephus' rags]

Euripides' Slave: Take these.

Dicaeopolis (rummaging through the garments he has been given):  Zeus, whose eyes see everything, I want to be dressed in the most miserable rags that I can find. Euripides, you have been kind enough to help me. Please may I also have Telephus' cap for I have to have the look of a beggar at today's hearing.  The audience can know who I truly am, but the Chorus must be duped as to my true identity and stand there with their mouths agape whilst I deceive them with irony and clever plays on words.

Euripides (sarcastically): By all means take it for I want to be amused by a clever intelligence like yours.

Dicaeopolis: O you are so charming. I am concentrating on playing Telephus. Truly I am full of witty sayings, but I also need a beggar's staff.

Euripides: Take it and begone from my marbled halls.

Dicaeopolis: O my soul see how we are being driven away from this house, when we still need so many items and props for my act. Let us be pressing, obstinate and importunate. Euripides, give me a small wicker basket with a lamp lit inside it. 

Euripides: Why do you need it?

Dicaeopolis: I don't, but give it to me all the same.

Euripides (giving it to him): You're being a pest. Now please get out of my home.

Dicaeopolis: May the same blest destiny that fell upon your mother also fall upon you.

[One tradition states that his mother was a greengrocer who sold herbs in the marketplace.]

Euripides: Now please go away.

Dicaeopolis: No, please give me one more thing. I only want a broken cup.

[Aristophanes is mocking Euripides about his wont to use trivial props in his tragedies.]

Euripides: Take one and go away, you irksome creature.

Dicaeopolis: Ah! you do not understand all the pain that you are causing me. Dear Euripides, I need nothing more than a small bottle using a sponge as stopper.

Euripides: You miserable brute! Here you are. You have now stolen an entire tragedy of mine  Here, take it and be off.

Dicaeopolis: I am going, but, great gods! I need just one thing more; If I don't get it, I am lost. Listen to me, my little Euripideekins, just give me this and I will go away, never to come back. For pity's sake, just give me some old chervil leaves for my wicker basket, dried ones that your mother left you in your inheritance .

Euripides: You insolent ruffian. Slave, lock the door! 

Dicaeopolis:  Upon my soul! I must leave without the chervil. You do have the sense to understand the dangerous battle we are about to engage upon in defending the Spartans. Courage, my soul for we have to plunge right into the midst of it. Do you hesitate and are you fully versed in the plots of Euripides' plays? That's right! do not falter, my poor soul, and let us risk our head to tell what we believe to be true. Courage and boldly march to the front. [He marches up to and stands ny the butcher's block which had been brought out earlier] It's little wonder that I am so brave.

Quasi-Agon 490-625

Part I 490 - 556

Chorus of Charcoal Burners (to Dicaepolis):  What are you going to do? What are you going to say? Know then that you are both rude, and a man of iron, you who, after he has offered up his head to the City as a stake, will now speak alone against all of us! and yet he does not seem to tremble before us in such a situation! Come now, it is you who wanted it. Speak!

Dicaeopolis: Do not be annoyed, gentlemen of the audience, for if a poor beggar like me, is going to stand before the Athenians and I am going to talk about the City in a comic play it is because this is fair game enough and as well being the responsibility of Comedy. I will only talk about, at the risk of being disagreeable, the right things. I do not have to be afraid of Kleon's calumnies at this point in time for he will not speak of them in the presence of strangers even if I slander the City. At the present moment we are alone among ourselves for this is the Lenaion contest, a time of year when strangers have not yet come here. Neither have the tributes been brought from our allies nor have troops been sent from their cities. Today we are alone, nothing but the pure wheat of own City winnowed from the chaff with the accent of the Metics being its only ring. Therefore I can say this - I too despise the Spartans with all my heart, and how I wish that Poseidon, Earth-shaker, god of Tenara, would send a trembling quake to level all their homes under piles of earth, for I too have had my vineyards cut down. Nevertheless (for there are only friends here to listen to me) why do we blame the Spartans for all these evils? for amongst us there is a gang of men, (note that I do not say our City, and please do remember that I did not say our City) amongst us there are miserable individuals, of bad quality, crazy people, false citizens, kinds of foreigners, who denounced the small woollen smocks imported from Megara. Did they not also see cucumbers, hares, suckling pigs, cloves of garlic, lumps of rock salt, and remark, "they all come from Megara", so they said  "impound these goods", and that same day sold everything at auction. Until then the evil was not great but it did not leave us. But then some young people, intoxicated by the game of Kottabos, went to Megara and carried off the courtesan, Simaitha; the Megarians, affronted and excited like fighting cockerels with garlic in their blood, in retaliation kidnapped two of Aspasia's prostitutes. And that is why war broke out, pitting all the Greeks against each other all simply for the sake of three whores! 

[The Spartans had violated the asylum of the temple of Poseidon, at Tenara, to seize the Helots who had taken refuge there (Thucydides I 128Slaughter of the Helots at the Temple of Poseidon Cape Matapan)]

[Wool was the main industry of Megara. There were in the Megaride, on the side of the mountains, vast pastures where many sheep were raised, as well as pigs. In the plain grew in abundance fruits and vegetables. On the coast, there were salt wells for making rock salt. Megara - Wikipedia]
[Xenophon, Memorabilia, Book 2, chapter 7 section 6]

[Kottabos was a popular party game among the Athenians. There were several different versions. The most ordinary and the simplest consisted in spurting from one's mouth the dregs of a cup of wine into a metal bowl on the other side of the room whilst trying to pronounce the name of a loved one. If the sound produced by the jet of wine was harmonious, it was interpreted as a sign of true love.]

[Aspasia of Miletus, of whom Socrates speaks with praise in Plato's Menexenus, has been much decried by comic poets because of her situation as the illegitimate wife of Pericles and the influence attributed to her on the policy of the latter.]

[The nickname of Olympian was given to Pericles "for the seriousness of his male eloquence, for the monuments of which he had embellished Athens, for his superiority in government and command of armies” (Plutarch, Pericles 8).]

[Metics were foreigners who were domiciled in Athens; they could participate in certain offices of the City and had certain rights in Athens.] 



Then Pericles, the Olympian, like after lightning so then roars its thunder, upset the whole of Greece by enacting laws in the style of a drinking song:  “Banished be the Megarians from the land and the markets, and from the sea and every continent”. So what did the Megarians do? Suffering in time from famine, they appealed to the Spartans for help to get the decree repealed of which the incident concerning the whores was the cause. But we Athenians responded with refusals to the repeated requests of the Spartans. From thence onwards the rattling of the shields was heard. We'll say that this was not necessary. And what should be done?  We asked. Tell me. Let's see. Suppose a Spartan "left on a ship" had discovered there, and then had sold a small dog belonging to the Seriphians, would you have remained calm in your lodgings? Ah! how much is needed!

Surely, are you listening? you would have hastily launched three hundred ships and "the city would have been full" of the tumult of the soldiers, of cries about the trierarch. Here pay is distributed, there charms of Athena Pallas are given out. There the grain portico resounds with the noise of the crowd, while the wheat is being weighed. Everywhere skins, oar straps, people buying jars, provisions of garlic, olives, onions in nets; crowns, sardines, pipers, black eyes; at the arsenal, another scene: the din of oars being flattened, of oars being rammed in, of straps being fastened to the portholes, of pipes, of shouts of command, of fifes, of whistles!

Here it is, I know it well, what you would have done. The same that the enemy Telephus did? Don't we think so? It is because we are devoid of any common sense.

[Seriphos, an ally of Athens, was a tiny island, south-east of Attica. Its minimal military and economic importance was proverbial. Serifos - Wikipedia]

Part II Lamachos Scene 557 - 625


[The Chorus divides into two Half-Choruses]

The First Half-Chorus: Really? you scroundrel, you villain! Is this how a miserable beggar like you dares to speak of us? And what if there was a informer [sycophant] present? 

The Second Half-Chorus: By Poseidon, every word he says he is true and right; he tells no lies at all.

The First Half-Chorus: And  what then after that? True or false did he have to say them? We are going to make him pay for his audacity.

The Second Half-Chorus: Hey there! where are you running off to? I beg you to stay here and be  calm? Know that if you strike this man, you will find yourselves will be hoisted up from the ground, instantly.

The First Half-Chorus:  O Lamachos! O you whose eyes flash, come to our aid, hero with the panache of Gorgon, appear. O Lamachos! our friend, our dear comrade. And if there is some taxiarch [captain of a trireme] here [in the audience] or anyone who can storm a city's walls, let them come to our aid without delay, for we already feel ourselves captured.

[Lamachos steps out of the house (now his house) fully armed , wearing an ostentatious crested and plumed helmet. His shield bears the head of a Gorgon, and he is brandishing his sword.]
[Aegis - Wikipedia]

Lamachos: Where is the battle cry that is striking my ears coming from? Where must I go to help! Where shall I sow the tumult of combat? Who has roused my Gorgon from her case? 

Dicaeopolis: O Lamachos, plumed hero of battalions, what splendour and panache!

The Chorus-Leader: O Lamachos, this man has been insulting our entire City.

Lamachos (to Dicaeopolis): Beggar, how dare you use such language! 

Dicaeopolis: O Lamachos, our hero! I beg your pardon, if I am able beggar that I am, of having used a few discrepancies in my language.

Lamachos: And what did you say about us? do you want to tell us? 

Dicaeopolis: I can't remember. The fear of seeing your weapons has made me dizzy. Please take that scarecrow away from me.

Lamachos: So..

Dicaeopolis: (Like feeling bad.) Put him upside down next to me.

Lamachos: He is on the ground.

Dicaeopolis: Take off your helmet and give me that plume from its crest.

Lamachos: Here, take this plume .

Dicaeopolis: Now hold my head, I need to vomit.  Your crests make me sick! 
(He uses the feather and tries to make himself vomit)

Lamachos: Hey! what are you doing? Are you using this feather to make yourself vomit just because it's a feather?

Dicaeopolis: Look at him. What kind of bird can he possible be? Would that be one called a "Great Boastard"?

[Aristophanes has invented a word here xounoλaxúbou. Instead of orpoulou, meaning ostrich, he has been combined it with two other words meaning boastful and exaggeration. Similarly the word "boastful" has some analogy with a vulture.]

Lamachos: That's too much! You will pay me for this with your life!

Dicaeopolis: Enough threats, Lamachos. Force is not allowed here. And since you're so strong, why don't you circumcise me? You are well armed for that purpose. 

Lamachos: Is that how you speak about your general, you beggar?

Dicaeopolis: Then am I a beggar?

Lamachos: But who and what are you?

Dicaeopolis: Who I am? I am an honest citizen, one who is not called a "Seeker after High Office", but one who, since the first day of the war, has been called "One with the Heart of a Soldier", whilst you, since the first day of the war, have been called "The Sire of High Pay"!

Lamachos:  But I was elected.

Dicaeopolis: Yes, by three cuckoos! This is what makes me sick and that is why I concluded a [private] truce [with Sparta]. I saw men with grey hairs in the ranks of the army, whilst young boys like you dodged their active service. Some of these boys were sent to the shores of Thrace, on a pay of three drachmas [per day], like the sons of Tisamenos, Phainippos, and that arrogant knight Hippatchides; others were sent to Chaonia, or accompanied Chares, the sons of Theodoros, or that tongue-twisting fellow from Diomeia; yet others went to Camarina, and Gela, and Cachinnatia. You've got to laugh at all this! 

Lamachos:  That's because they were appointed to do this.

Dicaeopolis: And why must you, always and in any case, receive a good salary on these missions (pointing at one old man in the Chorus) when these persons have received nothing? In truth, Marilades, have you ever been an ambassador? See, he is shaking his head; and yet he is a sage and a worker. And you, you Charcoal Burners, have any of you ever seen Ectabana or Chaonia? No, they say. But it is good for a son of Coesyra and for Lamachos, who till now have paid neither their bills nor their debts, for they have all been paid by the state, and, when people empty their pisspots out of their windows at night into the streets, all their friends have advised them to keep out of the way.   

Lamachos:  O Democracy! really, this is intolerable. 

Dicaeopolis: Not really, not as long as a good sum is paid to Lamachos!

Lamachos:  Well then, I intend to wage an endless war against all the Peloponnesians, I want to make them tremble everywhere, on the sea with my ships, and on land with my infantry. I want to use all my might.

[Lamachos exits the stage going into the house]

Dicaeopolis: And I, by this proclamation, invite all the Peloponnesians, Megarians and Boeotians, to come and trade in the market with me, but not Lamachos.

The Chorus-Leader: This man has won the debate.The people have been persuaded by his argument and before they change their minds about the truce let us shed our cloaks and prepare our attack with the anapests [of the Parabasis].
.
Parabasis 626-718

[The Chorus takes a few steps forward, and turns to face the audience.]
.
The Chorus-Leader: Ever since he began to put on his comedies the teacher of our Chorus [διδασκαλία/didaskalia - Ancient Greek (LSJ]  our poet, has never before appeared before his audience in boast to praise his talents. But rather he has been slandered by his enemies [Kleon], and before the Athenians “who were quick to make up their minds”. He has been accused of flouting our City in his plays and of insulting the people. Today he wishes to respond to these accusations by addressing these same Athenians, “who were quick to change their minds". He claims he has done you many services and is deserving of much praise and honour, our poet, for having prevented you from letting yourselves be deceived too much by the tongues of foreigners, from being seduced by flattery and rhetoric,  Athenians being vain and empty-headed citizens.

In the past the ambassadors of the Confederation [Delian League], when they wanted to deceive you, first of all they called you citizens of the city of the "Violet Crown"; and upon hearing these words, you immediately, and because of this praise,  sat on your backsides. Now someone has tickled your vanity, and spoken of "Brilliant Athens";  he has got from some at the same time everything he ever wanted, by using this word "brilliant", by applying to you an adjective better used to describe the frying of sardines. This is only one of the many benefits for which you are indebted to him; he will also show you what the democratic regime means to the people in the allied cities. Also, today, the delegates of the cities, charged with paying the tribute, will come eager to see the excellent poet who was not afraid to make the language of justice heard before the Athenians. This is how his courage earned him distant fame: the Great King [of the Medes and Persians] himself, questioning the envoys of Sparta, first asked them which of the two rival peoples was the Queen of the Sea, then which was the one has chosen the poet to be its steadfast adviser; "it is he, he assured, among whom the men are by far the best and who has by far the greatest chance of being victorious, having such an adviser". That is why the Spartans came to offer you Peace and Goodwill, and a claim of Aegina for in that island they do not have any real interest, but they hope to deprive you of your poet. [Aristophanes himself had land on Aegina and the people of that island were of Doric descent as were the Spartans]. But you, listen well, take care never to part with him, for in his satire he will always defend the cause of justice. He affirms that he will still do you a lot of service by giving you the means to be happy, without flattering yourself, without seeking approvers by the lure of a salary, without trying to deceive you, without playing tricks, without showering you with praise, but only by teaching you what is best. Rare will be his blessings and great will he work on behalf of Athens. 


The Chorus (melodramatically): Only after that Kleon will work against us. Let him try to use all of his artifices and machinations. Good and Justice will fight at our side. We will never be caught behaving like him, towards the city, like a coward and a debauched dog.

The Chorus: We invoke you, O Acharnian Muse, ardent and lively as the devouring fire, sudden as a spark which has bursts from the cracking of a piece of charcoal made from evergreen oak when roused by the rapid fanning of sprats being fried on the fire, whilst others knead the dough or stir up a sharp Thasian dressing with a quick hand into which we dip the small fish therein to coat them. So break we forth in song, our Muse and Maid, and inspire thy fellow demesmen with the vigorous, and stirring strains of a fine rustic melody. 

The Chorus-Leader: We, the veterans of the City, being old as we are, we reproach Athens for, instead of it caring for us and being fed by you in a way worthy for our former service at sea, our fate is less fortunate. You involve us, at our age, in trials at sea, and allow us to be mocked by young orators, against whom, being hard of hearing and having tired voices, like worn out old auli, we can do nothing, we who have no other "Poseidon" for support other than the staffs that we lean on. Stammering in senile voices, standing near the stone table, we see nothing, and perceive not Justice but only gloomy darkness. Our young accuser, however, who out of pure interest has intrigued to be the City's prosecuting advocate [synegore/συνήγορος] in a state trial, who has struck at us with rapid blows and combats us with phrases that sting. Then he drags us onto the platform and asks us questions where every word is a trap, so much so that poor old Tithon [mythical prince of Troy, the Athenian  equivalent to Methuselah] is struck blind. The poor old man can barely utter a few words from his lips; so he withdraws with a fine. So he sobs, and weeps, and says sobbing to his friends: “What money I once had to pay for my funeral now I will have to use it to pay the fine to leave the court”. 

How can it been seemly for a grey-headed man to be thus be deceived and slain by the stream of water flowing from the Klepsydra [Water Clock], who when young and bold fought hard for the City,  who when in the line of battle at Marathon wiped the sweat from his brow and rejoined the fight, who displayed his bravery man to man? Our name will live for evermore. In our youth we pursued the enemy, but now the pursuers chase us, and our defence is in vain. What would Marpsias [a legal bloodsucker] say about all this?

It is an injustice that a man as old as Thucydides [Alcibiades] suffers this to happen, in sore distress, feebly struggling in a tangle in that Scythian wilderness? having to stand against the fluent glib of an advocate like Kephisodemus, what a sorry display? I was moved with pity, in truth and wiped my tears away, when a man, a gallant veteran, has been harassed by a mere archer.  The true Thucydides when younger would not have allowed this to happen to him.  He would have had three thousand archers shouted down. He would have pierced the whole line of the enemy with his arrows. But whoever will not leave the aged and toothless be in peace should be old and toothless too! For a young one can only fight with a braggart, the ignoble with the son of Clinias. Let us make a law that in the future, old men can only be summoned and convicted in the courts by the aged and the young men by those of their own age. This would be fair.

Iambic Scenes and Lyric Interludes Lines 719 - 999


The Megarian with His Daughters Scene Lines 719 -

[Dicaeopolis comes out of his house with some rocks , and arranges them in the form of  a square in front of his dwelling.]

Dicaeopolis: Here delimited are the boundaries of my market. Here I declare they have the right to trade, all Peloponnesians, Megarians and Boeotians, provided that they only trade with me and not with Lamachos. As inspectors of my market, I appoint by lot the following three leather thongs approved by the market of Lepreon. Sycophants are forbidden to enter here, as are any men from the land of Phasis [informers]. I am now going to look for the stele on which has been inscribed the [peace] treaty that I have concluded [with the Spartans], in order to place it in plain view for all to see in my market. 


[Dicaeopolis goes out and re-enters with the stele. At the same time, a Megarian carrying a sack over his shoulder enters via the left parodos, followed by two little girls, his daughters.]

The Megarian (speaking with a distinct accent and using his native dialect): Hello Athenian market, so dear to the Megarians, we have missed you, as the god of friendship is my witness, as much as my mother. Come, my poor little daughters of an unfortunate father, step up forward here to earn your bread, if you can find any. Listen now, and give me the full attention of your hungry bellies. What would you prefer, to be sold, or to starve? 

The Little Girls (also using their native dialect): We want to be sold! to be sold!

The Megarian: That's my opinion too. But who would be foolish enough to buy you, when it is a certainty they would lose their money? But, enough! I have an idea to use a Megarian trick: I'm going to disguise you as baby sows that I'll say that I'm bringing to market. Put on those trotter clogs and make yourselves look like little pigs, and make sure you look like that you have just been born suckling your mother's milk.

[According to a scholia: market inspectors, those who police the regulations of a market, carried leather whips.  Lepreon was a locality in Elis where leather was probably tanned. https://topostext.org/place/374217PLep
[Salt was a commodity more Megaran than Attic] 
[This whole scene consists in the misunderstanding of words which have a double meaning, for example, χοίρος,  which means: 1 little pig, young sow: or 2 the private parts of a woman.]
for, by Hermes, if I bring you home without having been able to sell you, you will learn from your own experience what it is to die of hunger. Come on, put those little snouts on too. Now, jump into that sack. Take care to grunt like piglets, imitating the voice of the piglets that are about to be sacrified in the Cult of the Mysteries. Me, I'm going to call for Dicaeopolis, and find out where he is. Dicaeopolis, would you like to buy some suckling pigs? 
The piglet and the Eleusinian Mysteries
 
Dicaeopolis. Who is this? A Megarian?

The Megarian: We came to the market to do some business.

Dicaeopolis: How are you doing?
 
The Megarian: Us? We starve all the time, sitting by our hearths.

Dicaeopolis: But do you know that it is very pleasant, by Zeus, with a flute player? What are you still doing in Megara now? 

The Megarian: What we can, you think. When I left and as I started out, the Councilors were arranging the affairs of the city so as to get us to die off as soon as possible.

Dicaeopolis: It is a way to end it all away with your troubles.

The Megarian: Without a doubt.

Dicaeopolis: What other news is there from Megara? What is the price of grain there? 

The Megarian: Grain amongst us is highly esteemed, just as are the gods!

Dicaeopolis: Are you bringing salt?

The Megarian: Don't you own the salt?

[Athens had blockaded Megara's salt wells.]

Dicaeopolis: No garlic too?
 
The Megarian: Garlic? what are you saying there! It is still you who always, at each invasion, like field mice, with your stakes you dig up the ground and pull out all the shoots.

Dicaeopolis: Then what are you bringing [to market]?

The Megarian: Baby sows, like those used in the sacrifices for the [Eleusinian] Mysteries.

Dicaeopolis: Show me.

The Megarian: Well aren't they beautiful. Weigh this one, will you? Look how plump and feel how beautiful she is!

Dicaeopolis: (Lifts the sack up, then feels the little one inside it; he suddenly cries out, recognizing that it's a little girl.) Hello! What's in this sack?

The Megarian: A sow, by Zeus. 

Dicaeopolis: What are you saying there? What country is she from, this sow?

The Megarian: She is from Megara.

Dicaeopolis: No, it seems not so to me.

The Megarian: That's a bit strong! Look at this incredulous man. He says that this is not a sow! Well, true, and come. Will you bet with me a measure of 'salt and thyme' that this is indeed what we call a "sow" in Greek?

Dicaeopolis: I did not say that, but this one seems to be a sow pretending it's a human being.

The Megarian: Assuredly, by Diocles, since she is mine. Whose do you think she is? Do you want to hear them squeal?

[Diocles was the national hero of the Megarians, King and one of the first priests of Demeter, and one of the first to learn the secrets of the Eleusinian Mysteries]

Dicaeopolis: By the gods, yes.

The Megarian (to one of his “little sows” in his sack): Scream now, little sow. What? you don't want to? Damn you to Hell! If you remain silent, by Hermes, I'll take you straight back home again!

The Girl: Oink, Oink!
 
The Megarian: Is this not a little sow?

Dicaeopolis: Now, yeah, she seems to be young to me like a sow; but when she is completely grown up, will she have a pussy? 

The Megarian: In five years, know it well, she will be just like her mother.

Dicaeopolis: But we can't sacrifice her as she is. 

The Megarian: Why not? Why can't we sacrifice her?

Dicaeopolis: Because she's got no tail.

[Having no tail rendered a piglet unfit to use in a sacrifice]

The Megarian: It is because she is still young; but, when she grows up, she will have a big fat one, and red. (Showing the second "little sow".) But if it's for breeding, this one, look. She is a beautiful sow.

Dicaeopolis: And she has a female vulva just like the other one!

The Megarian: They were born of the same mother and father. Let her only fatten up and grow some hair, and she will become a very beautiful sow ripe for use in a sacrifice to Aphrodite.

Dicaeopolis: But we don't sacrifice sows to Aphrodite.

The Megaran: Not sacrificed to Aphrodite? but that's  what they are meant for. The flesh of these piglets will taste just fine when skewered on a spit.

Dicaeopolis: Cn they eat without their mother?

The Megarian: Yes, by Poseidon; and also without their father. 

Dicaeopolis: What does they prefer to eat?

The Megarian: Anything you give them. Ask them yourself.

Dicaeopolis: Hey little pigy-wiggies.

The Little Girls: Grunt! Grunt!
-
Dicaeopolis: Do you eat polka dot chickpeas? 

The Little Girls:  Oink! Oink! Oink!

Dicaeopolis: And also figs from Phibalis?


The Little Girls: Coo weee!

Dicaeopolis: What a shrill cry you both make at the word "figs"! (To a slave) Go inside and bring me back some figs for the pretty sows. (The slave goes inside and brings out a bowlful. Let's see if they will they eat them (He gives The Girls the figs which they devour in huge mouthfuls) O! O the noise of jaws munching,

['Epéбv0os meaning chickpea also means a virile membrum.]

O revered Heracles! I know where they come from, from the country of the “munchies”, it seems.

The Megarian: (aside): In any case, they have not munched all the figs; here's one I picked up for 
myself. (He eats it secretly.) 

Dicaeopolis: By Zeus, what a pair of nice beasts! How much do you want to sell me your little sows? Speak.

The Megarian: I give you one for a bunch of garlic, the other, if you like, for a choenix of salt. 


Dicaeopolis: I'll buy them from you. Wait here for me a moment. (He goes into his house).

The Megarian: That's it. O Hermes, god of trade, grant it possible for me to sell for the same, both my wife and my own mother!

Enter a Sycophant (an Informer)

The Sycophant: Hey man! where do you come from?

The Megarian: I'm a pig dealer, from Megara.

The Sycophant: Well, your little pigs here, I denounce them as enemies, and you too.

The Megarian: O my gosh! that damn Decree again, the cause of all our evils!


The Sycophant: Well, it was that Megarian accent of yours which was your downfall.  Drop that bag!

The Megarian: Dicaeopolis, Dicaeopolis, they want to report me!

Dicaeopolis: (Reappearing.) Who wants to do this to you then? Who is your whistleblower? (Seizing the leather straps placed on his table.) Market Inspectors, drive out the Sycophants. (To the Sycophant) Ah! you claim to be "enlightening" us without carrying a lantern! 

The Sycophant: What? Are you telling me that I cannot denounce our enemies? 

Dicaeopolis: Beware, if you do not rapidly go somewhere else to do your denouncing at full speed! 

(Dicaeopolis strikes The Sycophant with the whip, who exits fleeing)

The Megarian: The scourge of Athens these beasts are! 

Dicaeopolis: Don't worry, Megarian. Well! here's the price we agreed upon for your little sows. Take this garlic and this salt. Farewell, with lots of joy!

The Megarian: Alas! that commodity is unknown to us in Megara. 

Dicaeopolis (apologetically): Did I make an indiscretion? Let it fall upon my head.

The Megarian: Farewell, my dear little sows. Try when far from your father to dab your bread in the salt, if they give you some. 

[The Megarian exits and Dicaeopolis takes the two "little sows" (The Girls) back into his house. The Chorus is left in the orchestra]

Lines 836-859

The Chorus: How happy this man [Dicaeopolis] is!  Have you not heard how he has succeeded in his plan? All he has now to do is to collect the fees from his traders and sit quietly in his place in this private market. If ever there enters a sycophant, it will not be with impunity that they will come there and sit down, nor even a Ctesias, that dirty spy, who has lately terrified him.

[Dicaeopolis re-enters]

The Chorus (to Dicaeopolis): And no one in the world will bring harm to you by haggling over the produce you will sell here. And you will never see Prepis wiping his arse after a painful buggery, nor will  Cleonymus jostle you when you take your walks. But you will come and go everywhere with a clean coat; you will not have to fear that by meeting with Hyperbolos for you will not be hassled with a lawsuit. And you won't find either in your market, Cratinos strolling up and down, and accosting you, nor Cratinos with his hair always shorn in the fashion of an adulterer by a razor, nor will you encounter the ultra-wicked Artemo, that rogue, that sloppy musician who torments us with awful improvisations, the same who has arm-pits stinking as foul as a goat just like his father before him. Nor will you be, in your market, the butt of ridicule by Pauson, that arrant scoundrel, nor of those of Lysistrates, the shame of Cholarges, the man impregnated with all the vices, and who is continually cold and hungry for more than thirty days every month!

Lines 860-

[A Boeotian [from Thebes] enters, followed by his Slave, Ismenias, who is carrying a large assortment of items of food. They are followed by a troop of pipers.]

The Theban (having put down the pack which he was carrying and rubbing his shoulder): By Heracles, I have hurt my back enough! (To his servant) Put the pennyroyal down, and gently so, Ismenias. (To the pipers) And all of you pipers, you who have followed us all the way from Thebes with your bag-pipes,  play the tune of the "The Dog's Arse" on your piper's bones. (The musicians make a deafening racket)

Dicaeopolis: Silence! Enough! To the crows with you all! Hey you wasps, stay away from my door! (To the Theban) From whence did you find this accursed swarm of Chaeridian bumble drones which has taken to flight, and which has now come to hum their pipes at my door? (The band of musicians exit)

The Theban: By Iolaos! many thanks, stranger! They have come from Thebes. They have been blowing their pipes behind me all the way from there and have caused the blossoms on my pennyroyals to drop to the ground. But please do buy from me, what I bring, this poultry or these other flowering plants. 

Dicaeopolis: Welcome round loaf eater! my little Boeotian. What else have you brought? 

The Theban:  Everything that's good from Boeotia - dittany, pennyroyal, mats, wicks for lanterns, ducks, jackdaws, francolins, moorhens, wrens, plovers and divers ...

Dicaeopolis:  So it's like a cyclone that you have dropped in on at our market, bringing fowl weather with you!

The Theban:  And look here, now; see what else I bring - geese, hares, foxes, moles, hedgehogs, cats, ermines, weasels, otters, eels from Lake Copais ...

[Heracies was the national hero of the Boeotians, and the pipes were their favorite instrument]

[Loaves made from barley, round and roughly kneaded, were the regular food of the Boeotians. The north wind, at the onset of winter, drives the birds to migrate to warmer climes. The eels from Lake Copais, Boeotia, were a famous delicacy. The animals mentioned between the hares and the eels do not constitute particularly fine game; one might describe them as "wartime" food.]

Dicaeopolis: O you who bring here the fish most delectable to men, if you bring any, let me greet the eels.

The Theban (opening a basket): "Thou chief of fifty Copaic daughters," come out of there, and greet the stranger.

[Parody of a verse from a lost tragedy by Aeschylus, the Judgment of Arms: "Eldest of the fifty 
Nereid daughters", in invocation to Thetis.]

Dicaeopolis: O beloved child, so long missed 
So you answer the wishes of comedy choirs, 
You, so dear to Morychos! 
Slaves, bring me here the stove and the bellows. 
Look, boys, these excellent eels have returned to us after six years of hard waiting!

[Dicaeopolis' children come out of the house together with a Slave.]

Children, greet her. I do my business. 
To pay for the coal to celebrate the foreigner.
(To the Slave) Come, take her back home,
May your death never separate me
when you are cooked in chard leaves. 

[Parody of the tragic style. The poet has let it be understood that the eels will be served to the Chorus at the feast which will follow the performance and the Children. Morychos was renowned for his gluttony.]

The Theban:  And me, what price will I get? From whom do I collect it?

Dicaeopolis: You will let me have it as a bargain, no doubt. But if you have anything else to sell, say so.

The Theban:  Oh yes! everything is for sale.

Dicaeopolis: "Come on, what price are you going to give it to me for?" Or do you want to take away other goods from here? 

The Theban:  Yes, whatever one can find in Athens, things which the Boeotians do not have.

Dicaeopolis: I see, you want to buy and take back Atherina from Phaleron or pottery.

The Theban: We have enough of both of these in Boeotia. We want something which we can't get back at home but which you have plenty of here.

Dicaeopolis: We can export and supply you with sycophants [informers]. We can pack them up and send them to you just like crockery.

The Theban:  By the twin gods of Thebes [Amphion and Zethes] with one of those monkeys if I took one home with me I could make a huge profit. They're so loaded with mischief.

Dicaeopolis: Well look who's coming now, if it isn't Nicarchus [a sycophant/informer] himself coming to denounce you.

[Enter Nicarchus]

The Theban: O my gosh! Look how small he is.

Dicaeopolis: But every inch of him is bad!

Nicarchus: Who's goods are these?

The Theban: They're mine, from Thebes, which, by Zeus, I bore on my back all the way from there.

Nicarchus: Then I hereby denounce and declare them to be enemy contraband.

The Theban: How about that? Are you making war on the wee birdies?

Nicarchus: Them and you too!

The Theban: How have I done you wrong?

Nicarchus: That will I announce for the benefit of our bystanders - you have brought lantern wicks from the enemy. With those you can set fire to our docks. 

Dicaeopolis: Burn the docks down with a lantern wick? How?

Nicarchus: The Boeotian could stick it lighted on the back of a beetle and float it down the water channel straight from the docks. And if Boreas [the god of the north wind] stirred up the slightest stiff breeze all the ships would blaze up in an instant.
[The drainage channel that took excess rainwater from the Acropolis to the docks and sea at Piraeus] 

Dicaeopolis: Go to blazes yourself, you troublemaker. All that with a lantern wick and a beetle?

[Dicaeopolis strikes Nicarchus with the leather straps]

Nicarchus: Bear witness as to how he is abusing me.

Dicaeopolis (to his Slaves): Go and fetch me some wrapping and straw, to pack him up in a bundle like some fragile crockery ready to be transported out of here. 

[Dicaeopolis' Slaves go inside and bring out some packing materials and wrapping tape. Dicaeopolis and his Slaves set about wrapping up Nicarchus like an Egyptian mummy]

The Chorus (singing): Take great care when you wrap up this dwarf, so that our friend, The Theban, can take it back home unbroken. 

Dicaeopolis: This I will do, for sure indeed, for it already creaks as if it were already cracked and discarded by the gods.

The Chorus: What will he do with it?

Dicaeopolis: Every use possible - a cupful of ills, for squeezing oil out of lawsuits, like a lamp shining on the audit of accounts, an informer is like a poisoned chalice filled with all kinds of malice.

The Chorus: But who can safely use a thing like this in the house day after day when it is already a thing which creaks and clatters?

Dicaeopolis (to the Theban): It is strong and sturdy, made for rough usage, but when you hang it up hook it with its heels above with its head hanging down.

The Chorus: Boeotian, you've got a lovely package there. Things are looking good for you.

The Theban: Well, I am certainly going to reap a fine harvest with it.

Chorus Leader: Farewell, our fine friend, take this sycophant away with you. Put him to use wherever you will. And pile him up with all your other sycophants.

Dicaeopolis: Preparing this troublemaker for transport was a lot of hard work; so here, load him up and take him away.

[Dicaeopolis hands the bound-up and packaged Nicarchus over to The Theban who loads it up onto the back of his Slave, Ismenias]
 
The Theban: Ismenias bend down and take this package on your back, and carry it like this. Be sure to carry the right way up. it

Dicaeopolis: Take care when carrying him home. You've got a bundle of trouble there, but still, if you succeed in making a harvest out of him, you'll be in fortune's way, as regards informers.

[Exit the Thebans]

[The Slave of Lamachos enters]

The Slave: Dicaeopolis! 

Dicaeopolis: Who's yelling out my name?

The Slave: Dicaeopolis. Lamachos has commanded you to attend to him at the Pitcher Feast [Choes, 2nd day of the Anthesteria]. Bring for this drachma here, some thrushes and also for a further three drachmas bring him a Copaic eel.

[Lenaia - ToposText]
[Spring Equinox - Aequinoctium Vernum]
[In Greek mythology, Aegis is the shield or protective cloak worn by Zeus, the king of the gods. It was often depicted as a goatskin shield adorned with the head of Medusa, the Gorgon with snakes for hair.]
[The Pitcher Festival or Choes/Χοαί was the 2nd day of the Anthesteria Festival. This festival was so-named after the choes, which were the large earthenware 3-quart pitchers used to store and pour wine from. During the festival, the Athenians would deck the streets with flowers and greenery and hold a procession to the temple of Dionysus. On the same day, the wife of King Archon would undergo a secret marriage to Dionysos in the Lenaeum]

Dicaeopolis: Who is this Lamachos that wants an eel?

The Slave: Lamachos the Terrible, the dreaded one, the Tough, the one who wields a shield bearing the aegis of a Gorgon, and sports a helm with three cocked plumes like egrets, which shade his head. 

Dicaeopolis: No way by Zeus, he will have nothing until he gives me his shield and that only for salted fish if he “waves his egrets” at me. If he shouts too much, I will summon the market inspectors. (He grabs the leather thongs and Lamachos' Slave leaves.) Me, I will take all of these goods for myself alone (He gathers up the food and birds under his arms.) and I will now go home (singing) 🎵To the sound of wings so soft with thrushes and blackbirds🎵.

The Chorus: You have seen it, you the whole city, you have seen how our sensible man, this ultra-wise man has accumulated all that he has, all thanks to his [private] treaty [with the Spartans]. He has goods to barter, with both useful objects for a household and foods good to eat warmed up. And all by themselves goods that are traded flow towards this happy one. No, never again will we receive Polemos, the dæmon of war, under our roofs who will never again sing of Harmodios [hero assassin of Hipparchus, the tyrant] in our houses. You will not see him reclined at any of our tables for he is a drunkard who has turned up as a "reveller" at a house amongst us [where everything before he came] was peaceful and by his presence, he has brought all the evils there. He has overturned [tables and dishes], spilt [wine] and fought with guests and adding further insult to injury, it was no use pleading with him a thousand times to "Drink, stay on your couch and make a toast with a goblet of friendship" for he would become even angrier than ever, he would set fire to the logs in our hearths and cause wine to spill out of our vines in spite of anything we might have said.

[Dicaeopolis leaves with his goods into his house]

Chorus: On wings now he has left to prepare his dinner, O and with what pride! to show us how he now lives, he has thrown these feathers in front of his door.

[Enter on high (Deus ex Machina) a female apparition, bearing the symbols of Peace (Eirene)]

Chorus: O you, you who were reared together with the beautiful Cypris [Aphrodite] and the Charites [Charites], O Peace! How beautiful your face is as if we didn't already know this before! O if only Eros could unite us with you, an Eros like the one who is in the painting with the crown of flowers! We are very quaint perhaps in your eyes? But, if we had you, we could still, we think, carry out a triple task: we could first plant a long row of young vines, and then next to it, plant young fig cuttings, thirdly we could tie the shoot of a cultivated vine, old as we are, around the whole enclosure, in a circle, round the olive trees, the oil from which could serve to anoint both you and us at the festival of Neomenia [νεομηνία, festival of the new moon].

Iambic Syzygy 1000-1068

Enter a Herald

Herald: Listen people. Depending on the use of your table song in honour of Harmodios who attempted to deliver Athens, his homeland, from the tyranny of the son of Peisistratus;
it began thus - 🎵“Beloved Harmodios, ah no! you are not dead”🎵.
Fathers celebrate the festivities by drinking to the sound of the trumpet. Whoever empties his wineskin first will receive a wreathe and a wineskin, the belly of Ctesiphon.

The Herald exits.

Dicaeopolis (standing in the doorway to his house by a barbecue, and addressing the people inside): Children and women are you listening? What are you doing? Didn't you hear the herald? Boil, roast to medium, turn, and remove the pieces of hare quickly! Prepare the wreathes. Bring me some brochette spits; stick the thrushes on them.

Chorus: How we envy you for your dogged determination or, rather, for the good life you're sticking at!

Dicaeopolis: What will you say after you see the thrushes roasting!

Chorus: In this, too, we think you are right!

Dicaeopolis (to a slave): Stoke the fire.

Chorus: Did you hear how with the refinement of a connoisseur he cooks and serves dinner?

[Enter Dercetes, a dirty, poor farmer in rags]

Dercetes: O wretched me!

Dicaeopolis: By Heracles! Who is this?

Dercetes:  An unhappy man.

Dicaeopolis: So be off with you by yourself.

Dercetes: Dearest friend, since only you have made a treaty, give me a portion of it. Peace, even if only for just five years.

Dicaeopolis:  What happened to you?

Dercetes:  I'm completely done for. I lost my yoke of oxen.

Dicaeopolis: How?

Dercetes:  They were taken from me at Phyle by the Boeotians.

Dicaeopolis:  How unfortunate! And on top of that, you are still dressed in white? 

Dercetes:  And I assure you, by Zeus, it was that pair that kept me in an abundance of dung. 

Dicaeopolis:  So what do you need now?

Dercetes:  My eyes have been blinded by tears for my two oxen. If you have any consideration for me, Dercetes from Phyle, please anoint each of my eyes immediately with an unction of Peace.

Dicaeopolis: How unfortunate! I do not practice as a public physician.

Dercetes: Come on, I beg you, let's see if I can somehow get my oxen back.

Dicaeopolis: Impossible. Go cry on the shoulders of the assistants of Pittalus. 
[Pittalus was a famous physician]

Dercetes:   Come on, at least just give me one drop of Peace on this quill.

Dicaeopolis: No way!  Buzz off and cry somewhere else.

Dercetes:  O woe is me. It is a great pity about my hard-working oxen! 

[Dercetes  exits]

Chorus: Our man loves the taste of his treaty but we think he is not quick to share it with anyone else.

Dicaeopolis (to a slave): You there, pour honey on the sausages. (To another slave) And you, stir the rich cuttle stew. 

Chorus: How like trumpets his orders sound.

Dicaeopolis: Be sure the pieces of eel are browned.

Chorus:
The words you speak, your savoury rites,
Do sharpen our appetites        
That we can no longer bear it!

Dicaeopolis: Now grill all these other things, browning them nicely. 

[Enter a Paranymph and a Bridesmaid]

Paranymph: Dicaeopolis!

Dicaeopolis: Who are you and what do you want?

Patanymph: I am the Paranymph from a wedding feast. The Groom has sent you this meat.

Dicaeopolis: How kind of him, whoever he is.

Paranymph: In exchange for the meat he begs that you pour him out one drachm of Peace unction into this flask to keep him and his new bride safe in their home. 

Dicaeopolis: No way. Take it away. I don't want it. Not for ten thousand drachmas would I give him one drop of my Peace treaty.  

Paranymph: The Bridesmaid has a secret message from the Bride for you.

Dicaeopolis (to the Bridesmaid): Well then, what do you have to tell me?

[The Bridesmaid whispers the message in Diaeopolis' ear]

Dicaeopolis: Oh how laughable the bride's request is! She is so insistent in her demand. The Bride has begged me to make it possible for her husband's penis to remain at home Hey! bring my treaty with the Spartans here, so that I can give it only to her, for she is a woman and is not guilty of the war. (A slave brings out a wineskin) Come here, woman, and hold the flask for the unction under here. Do you know how to use it? Explain it to the bride — when they need to recruit the soldier, let them anoint the husband's dick with this at night.

[The Paranymph and Bridesmaid exit]  

Iambic Scene and Stasimon 1069-1173

Dicaeopolis (to a slave): Take the treaty back inside and bring out to me a ladleful of wine, I'm going to spill it in libation for the Pitcher Festival. 

[Enter a First Messenger]

The Chorus Leader: O my, here one has come here quickly and with a frown, as if coming to deliver some terrible news!

First Messenger: Oh! Fatigues and combat. Lamachos!

Lamachos (coming out of the house next to Diaeopolis'): Who is echoing my name amongst these mansions of ornate bronze? 

First Messenger: The generals of the high command order you to set out quickly today with your crested helmet and your infantry to keep guard on the snow-bound border crossings. Someone has told them that some Boeotian bandits will try to use them to raid the Pitcher (Choes) and Pots (Chytroi) Festivals [on the second and third days of the Anthesteria].

Lamachos: Oh! generals more numerous than brave, isn't it outrageous that I'm not even allowed to attend the parties in celebration?

Dicaeopolis: A Ho and a Ha for the Lamachian Expeditionary Corps!

Lamachos: What a misfortune for me! What? Are you laughing at me already?

Dicaeopolis (Ironically): Do you really want to go and fight against a Geryon [Giant with three heads] each of which has a plume? 

Lamachos: Aha! What other news has this messenger brought me!

[Enter a Second Messenger]

Dicaeopolis: Aha! what news does this messenger bring me?

The Second Messenger: Dicaeopolis!

Dicaeopolis: What is it you want?

The Second Messenger: Get you to the banquet as quickly as possible together with your basket of provisions and your pitcher. The Priest of Dionysos has invited you. But hurry up - you are already late for it. Everything is ready - tables, couches, cushions, rugs, garlands, fragrances, sweets, and the whores have already come, pancakes, cakes, sesame rolls, pies, and the dancing girls are there singing 🎵Beloved Harmodios🎵. But do hurry to it as soon as possible.

Lamachos: Oh how unfortunate I am!

Dicaeopolis: That's because you have put on this great big Gorgon as your emblem! 

[Lamachos and Dicaeopolis start giving orders to each of their child slaves in preparation for their separate expeditions]

Dicaeopolis (to his child slave): Shut the door, and let them put my dinner in a basket.

Lamachos (to his child slave): Little one, fetch me my knapsack here.

Dicaeopolis: Boy, bring my basket here. 

Lamachos: Boy,  get me some salt mixed with thyme and onions.

Dicaeopolis: And for me slices of fish; I hate onions. 

Lamachos: Child, go get me a rancid salted fish wrapped up in a leaf from a fig tree. 

Diceopolis:  And for me, child, bring me a good pâté wrapped up in a fig leaf; I will heat it up there.

Lamachos: Bring me two plumes for my helmet.

Dicaeopolis:  And for me, some pigeons and thrushes. 

Lamachos: How beautiful and white is the feather of an ostrich!

Dicaeopolis: How beautiful and golden is the flesh of a woodpigeon!

Lamachos (to Dicaeopolis): Hey man! Have you done with mocking my armour?

Dicaeopolis (to Lamachos): Hey man! Please refrain from ogling my thrushes?

Lamachos (to his slave): Bring me the case of my triple plume. 

Diceopolis (to his slave): Bring me a little dish of hare stew. 

Lamachos. Oh, how the moths have eaten my egrets?

Diceopolis: Oh, will I get to eat my stew before dinner?

Lamachos (to Diceopolis): Hey man! Would you mind not speaking to me? 

Dicaeopolis. (To Lamachos): But I am not speaking to you; but to his Boy with whom I have been conversing for quite a while.  (To his slave.) Do you want to have a bet and have Lamachos as your arbiter? He will tell us whether locusts or thrushes are better.

Lamachos: O the insolence!

Dicaeopolis (to his slave): Look he judges locusts to be greatly superior. 

Lamachos: Boy, boy, pick up my spear and bring it to me.

Dicaeopolis: Kid, kid, take the sausage off the grill and bring it to me. 

Lamachos: Come, let me draw my spear from its scabbard. (Giving one end of the scabbard to his slave.) Hold on, (each grabbing one end they pull on each other, each on their end), hold on tight, little one.

Dicaeopolis (handing his slave the end of a huge sausage, and tugging on it): You too, boy, hold on tight. 

Lamachos. Go kid and get me the tripod supports for my shield.

Dicaeopolis. Boy, bring me the oven-baked loaves to support (caressing his stomach) mine (a large round one).

Lamachos. Bring my shield with the Gorgon on it here.

Dicaeopolis. And bring me a round cake with cheese on it. 

Lamachos. Isn't this a mockery that we call tasteless? 

Dicaeopolis. Isn't there a cake that we name delicious? 

Lamachos: Pour, boy, oil on the shield. On its bronze surface I see reflected an old man who will be charged with cowardice.

Dicaeopolis: Boy, pour the honey on the cake. Inside it is an old man who will send Lamachos, the son of a Gorgon, on his way.

Lamachos: Bring me here, boy,  the cask containing my breastplate.

Dicaeopolis: Bring me here boy, the flask that warms the inner man.

Lamachos (putting on the breastplate): With this I will armour myself against our foe.

Dicaeopolis (raising the flask): With this,  I will arm myself against those who feast with me.

Lamachos (to his slave): Boy, tie up my bedding to the shield.

Dicaeopolis (to his slave): Boy, tie up the food for the feast in the chest. 

Lamachos (to his slave): I, myself, will carry my own knapsack. Let's be off.

Dicaeopolis (to his slave): I, myself, will put on my own clothes. Let's be off.

Lamachos (to his slave): Boy, pick up my shield and bring it with you. O gosh! it's snowing; winter faces me.

[Lamachos and his slave boy exit via the Parodos said to lead to the countryside (stage right) ]

Dicaeopolis (to his slave): Boy, pick up the chest for the feast, a supper faces me.

[Dicaeopolis and his slave boy exit via the opposite Parodos said to lead to the town (stage left)]

The Chorus-Leader:
Each of you off to your duties, our heroes bold,
Different are the paths you each face:
One to drink with a wreath on his head,
The other to watch and shiver in the cold
Lonely, whilst the other passes hours
Sweet in the company of the loveliest of maidens.

I pray Zeus brings to destruction utterly and emphatically
The meanest of poets and of men, Antimachos, son of Sputter;
That Choregos who sent me packing without any supper
During the time of Lenaea. I pray that two mishaps befall that Choregos.
[The Chorus Leader inflicts two curses on the Choregos]
May he beg for a dish of the finest cuttlefish to be brought to him;
May he see it sail across the sea and into the oil of a frying pan.
And be served to him on a small table at anchor next to him still sizzling and hot from cooking;
This meal the gods have graciously given him.  But when he reaches out for it with his hand a dog close by grabs it with its teeth carrying it off. 
May a dog come and carry it off in its teeth and so let the first mishap happen. 

For the second mishap, listen it's night-time.  Our Choregos, after a ride, is returning home on foot.
He is sick with a fever and shivering.
He is feeling really ill when out of the blue, Orestes' club comes crashing down on his head,
'Tis that selfsame Orestes we all know, that drunk and mad hero.
Our Choregos crawling around on all fours in the dark gropes around in an attempt to find some brickbat to fling at Orestes.
But instead of a brickbat, he finds a pile of dung.
He picks up a fistful and rushes to throw it at Orestes,
But instead of hitting his foe, he misses and
Young Cratinus gets it in the face;
Young Cratinus gets it in the face

Exodos 1174-1233

[Enter a Third Messenger who knocks on Lamachos' door]

3rd Messenger: Slaves and Servants of Lamachos' household hurry.
Your master has been badly injured. 
Bring hot water heated in a small pan, prepare bandages, bring a waxen salve,
Bring some wool dipped in grease. for his ankle.
He was leaping over a trench but a stake in it caught his ankle.
Pulling it backwards and out of joint. 
Falling over his head struck a stone, cracking it.
This awakened the sleeping Gorgon on his shield. 
And this caused his helmet to shed the largest of its plumes and fall onto the rocks.
When he saw this he let out a shrill cry.
"My treasured glory I look upon you for the last time for I am no more!"
This is what he uttered as he fell back into the ditch.
When he awoke he found his men fleeing from the enemy.
So he gave chase to the foe with his spear repelling them.

[Enter Lamachos supported by two of his soldiers]

3rd Messenger: Here he is. Open the door.

Lamachos: Oh woe is me. How lamentable are my gory wounds.
I am done for having been struck by an enemy's lance.
But worse than lance or wounds it would be more lamentable if Dicaeopolis were to see me in this state.
And mock and mock my misfortunes.

[Enter Dicaeopolis drunk and supported by two bare-breasted dancing girls]

Dicaeopolis: O my O my. What glorious titties, so firm just like quinces.
Kiss me, my two golden misses!
With your softest and sweetest kisses.
It was I who drained the flask first!

Lamachos: How dire are my sufferings.
How painful are my wounds.

Dicaeopolis: Why hello, it's my little Lamachippos!
[In parody of Euripides'  Hippolytus]

Lamachos: How hateful and loathsome is my lot!

Dicaeopolis (to one of the girls who is fornicating with him):  Hey! Hey! hello, my little 'rider'

Lamachos: O  my odious sufferings!

Dicaeopolis (to the girl screwing him, with a shudder of pleasure) Why are you fucking me?

Lamachos:  My cruel sufferings.

Dicaeopolis (to the other dancing girl):  Why are you biting me?

Lamachos:  So unfortunate am I! In this fight what a high price I paid!

Dicaeopolis:. Oh? Did we charge a fee for the festival party?

Lamachos (appealing to Apollo). Ho! Ho! Paean! Paean!

Dicaeopolis:. But it's not Péan's festival today!

Lamoachos (to those who are carrying him): Carry me, carry my leg; Ouch! Ouch! Pick it up again, my friends.

Dicaeopolis: (to the dancing): And as for me, both of you grab my penis by its middle; take it in your hands again, my darlings.

Lamachos:. My head is spinning, from a stone which struck it.  I can't see anymore; I'm dizzy! 

Dicaeopolis:. And I want to go to sleep; I have an erection. I can't see anymore; I am full of desire! 

Lamachos: Carry me outside to Master Pittalos and place me in his caring hands.
[Lamachos and his attendant soldier prepare to leave]

Dicaeopolis: And as for me, take me to the judges. Where is the king [Archon Basileus]? Bring me a  wineskin. (A wineskin is brought to him)

Lamachos (whilst being carried.):  A spear has pierced my bones; O what a miserable fate!

Dicaeopolis (showing the spectators his empty flask): Look, this one. it's empty. (To the  Chorus.) “Hurrah for the glorious victor! ".

The Chorus: Well yes," Hurrah!” since you have invited us, O venerable man. “Hurrah for the glorious victor! "

Dicaeopolis:. And moreover, I filled it with pure wine and drank it all in one go!.

The Chorus: Hurrah for our noble hero! Pick up your flask and move on!

Dicaeopolis: So follow me, my fellow citizens, and sing, “Hurrah for you, glorious conqueror!"

The Chorus: Well, we will follow you to please you, whilst singing: “Hurrah! O glorious conqueror!” for you and your wineskin!

[Everyone leaves in song. Exeunt.]

References


The Acharnians - Wikipedia

Acharnae - Wikipedia

Pnyx - Wikipedia

ἐκκλησία - Wiktionary

Acharnae - Hellenicaworld.com

A Guide to Ancient Greek Drama: Synopsis of Aristophanes' Acharnians

Crowell's handbook of classical drama : Hathorn, Richmond Y. pp.2- - Internet Archive

The Acharnians – Aristophanes – Ancient Greece – Classical Literature

Aristophanes Acharnians - Course Hero

The Acharnians by Aristophanes - GreekMythology.com

Aristophanes: The Acharnians - Tom's Learning Notes

Google Scholar Search = Aristophanes Acharnians

JStor Search = Aristophanes Acharnians

Core UK Search = Aristophanes+Acharnians

Library of Congress Search = Aristophanes+Acharnians

Dithyramb, Tragedy and Comedy by A.W. Pickard-Cambridge pp 312-313 Internet Archive
Analysis of Play: Acharnians

Aristophanes Acharnians by S,D. Olson

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Sommerstein, Alan H. “Notes on Aristophanes’ Acharnians.” The Classical Quarterly, vol. 28, no. 2, Cambridge University Press, 1978, pp. 383–95, http://www.jstor.org/stable/638689.

Bowie, A. M. “The Parabasis in Aristophanes: Prolegomena, Acharnians.” The Classical Quarterly, vol. 32, no. 1, Cambridge University Press, 1982, pp. 27–40, http://www.jstor.org/stable/638735.

S. Douglas Olson. “Dicaeopolis’ Motivations in Aristophanes’ Acharnians.” The Journal of Hellenic Studies, vol. 111, [The Society for the Promotion of Hellenic Studies, Cambridge University Press], 1991, pp. 200–03, https://doi.org/10.2307/631902.

Borthwick, E. K. “Three Notes on the ‘Acharnians.’” Mnemosyne, vol. 20, no. 4, Brill, 1967, pp. 409–13, http://www.jstor.org/stable/4429504.

Habash, Martha. “Two Complementary Festivals in Aristophanes’ Acharnians.” The American Journal of Philology, vol. 116, no. 4, Johns Hopkins University Press, 1995, pp. 559–77, https://doi.org/10.2307/295404.

Whitehorne, John. “O City of Kranaos! Athenian Identity in Aristophanes’ ‘Acharnians.’” Greece & Rome, vol. 52, no. 1, Cambridge University Press, 2005, pp. 34–44, http://www.jstor.org/stable/3567856.

Van Steen, Gonda A. H. “Aspects of «Public Performance» in Aristophanes’ Acharnians.” L’Antiquité Classique, vol. 63, L’Antiquité Classique, 1994, pp. 211–24, http://www.jstor.org/stable/41654242.

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The Stage Life of Costume in Euripides’ Telephus, Heracles, and Andromeda; an Aspect of Performance Reception within Graeco-Roman | Rosie Wyles - Academia.edu

The Acharnians and the Paradox of the City in: Aristophanes and His Tragic Muse

Aristophanes and His Tragic Muse - Google Books


Fake Ambassadors and Pseudabartas

Acharnians fake ambassador - Google Scholar

Pseudabartas - Google Scholar

Euripides Scene

acharnians euripides scene - Google Scholar

Euripides’ Telephus - CORE Reader


Greek Versions

Acharnenses edidit J. van Leeuwen : Aristophanes - Internet Archive

Aristophanous komoidiai. Aristophanes Comedies. Volume I Acharnians and Knights - Internet Archive

Acharnians - Perseus Digital Library

W.W. Merry Aristophanes Acharnians
The Acharnians - Google Books

The Acharnenses of Aristophanes - Internet Archive T. Mitchell

Aristophanes : The Acharnians, The Knights
Edited by W,C, Green
https://archive.org/details/cu31924026465702/page/n6/mode/1up

Aristophanes: The Knights
In Volume 1: The Acharnians ; The Knights
Edited and Translated by Benjamin Bickley Rogers
https://archive.org/details/ComediesOfAristophanesV.1/page/n308/mode/1up
Comedies of Aristophanes v.1 : Aristophanes - Internet Archive


Archarnians : Aristophanes - Internet Archive edited by C.E. Graves

Loeb Edition L 178
Aristophanes I : Acharnians, Knights Clouds Wasps
Edited and Translated by Benjamin Bickley Rogers
https://archive.org/details/L178AristophanesIAcharniansKnightsCloudsWasps/page/n6/mode/1up?view=theater

Edited and Translated by W.J.M. Starkie
https://archive.org/details/theacharniansofa0000aris/page/n6/mode/1up

The Acharnians of Aristophanes : with introduction, critical notes and commentary Edited by W. Rennie
https://archive.org/details/acharniansofaris00renn/page/n6/mode/1up

Acharnians: Aristophanes - Internet Archive

Acharnians - Internet Archive ed. Alan H. Sommerstein pub. Aris and Phillips

Collection Budé  - Aristophane Tome I - Internet Archive ed. Victor Coulon

Biblioteca Clasica Gredos - Internet Archive

Comedies of Aristophanes v.1: - Internet Archive ed. B.B. Rogers

Aristophanes Vol 1 Acharnians, Knights - LCL 178 ISBN: 0674995678 ed. Jeffrey Henderson
https://archive.org/details/acharniansknight0000aris/page/n6/mode/1up?q=%22The+original+Loeb+Aristophanes%2C+first%22&view=theater

Translations

Acharnians : Aristophanes - Internet Archive

The Acharnians by Aristophanes - Free Ebook Project Gutenberg

Acharnians - Perseus Digital Library

Aristofanes (1886). The Acharnians. Library of Alexandria. ISBN 978-1-4655-0400-5.

Delphi Complete Works Of Aristophanes: The Acharnians

The Acharnians; The Clouds; Lysistrata : Aristophanes - Internet Archive

The Comedies of Aristophanes
Translated by W.J.Hickie
Volume 1 The Archanians, Knights, Clouds, Wasps, Peace, and Birds.
https://oll.libertyfund.org/title/the-comedies-of-aristophanes-vol-1

Aristophanes; tr. Alan H. Sommerstein (1980) Archarnians. Volume 1 of Comedies of Aristophanes. Aris & Phillips. ISBN 978-0-85668-172-1.

The Acharnians; The Clouds; Lysistrata; [1973]
by Aristophanes; Translated by Alan H. Sommerstein
ISBN 0140442871 9780140442878
https://archive.org/details/acharniansand00aris/mode/1up

The Acharnians of Aristophanes, tr. into Engl. verse by C.J. Billson : Aristophanes - Internet Archive
The Acharnians of Aristophanes - Internet Archive tr by C.J. Billson

The Acharnians (SCIT translation) : Stanford Classics in Theater - Internet Archive

The Acharnians : Aristophanes - Internet Archive

Aristophanes' Acharnians - Internet Archive translated by Jeffrey Henderson

The Acharnians and three other plays - Internet Archive translated by J. Hookham Frere

Aristophanes : a metrical version of The Acharnians, The Knights and The Birds - Internet Archive

The Acharnians ; The Clouds ; Lysistrata : Aristophanes - Internet Archive 

Aristophanes I - Internet Archive

Acharnians - johnstoniatexts

The Acharnians of Aristophanes by Gilbert Norwood - Internet Archive [Greek and English]

Audio/Visual

Acharnians Aristophanes, Delphi, theater, comedy - YouTube

The Acharnians clips : Stanford Classics in Theater -Internet Archive



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